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| via Dust Jacket Attic |
I pass no judgement here; I am a working mother and I think working is great, if you can make it work for you. Over the time that passed, it was abundantly clear that the 'Fridays off' were not materialising for my friend. Yet when I asked her she said she loved the job and that it was what she had always been working towards. And I thought great - isn't that, after all, why us women got educated and trained? Exactly so that there was this choice to work and have it all? I sense here I am stepping around some fairly contentious feminist issues, so I will try to tread carefully.
Anyway, I asked her again recently how it was going. She said she was exhausted, that having a cleaner and an ironing lady actually made little difference and what she really needed was some sort of house-keeper/home-maker. Basically someone who was another version of her. Who could help with homework and clear the dishes and do the laundry. So that she didn't have to do a full and demanding day at work and then return home with her children to see the breakfast bowls, complete with congealed milk still on the kitchen table.
You see therein lies the rub. For all that we might want to work and be wildly effective in our working lives, the sacrifice persists. There is no having it all. She is worn out. Her kids are in care a lot of the day. She and they are missing out somewhere along the way, surely (I am sure too that they gain things as well, but still). Yet she is also having the chance to do a great job, is realising her potential professionally.
It's all about choice and as many more lucid women have said before me, there is no ideal; no easy option. Full time motherhood is hard, has it's challenges in the exactly the same way as working motherhood. If there were just a way to clone oneself so that there was a work version and a home version, simultaneously performing, maybe that would be the answer? Thought provoking stuff indeed...
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| via tinywhitedaisies |
I just had to comment on this one... I don't think you are being sided incase you were afraid it might sound that way! But I don't see why not getting a cleaning lady would be such a bad idea... that way instead of cleaning and cooking once she arrived home she could spend an unlimited time for her children.
ReplyDeleteBut the only part of this post that bothers me is are you saying she is a single mother, because at no time do you say her husband hasn't taken some stress off her need to be with the kids early. Just saying... so much is expected of women in this day and age... we study therefore work, we work therefore lack time with our kids and if we stay home and don't work others look down at you, if you work a job a few hours that is beneath you another set of people frown upon it... it's a double edged sword that is never put onto men.
As long as she does get to be with her kids, nannies, tutors... if that means she comes home and all she does is spend time with her kids she probably doing the best she could with what the universe has offered her.
So true Lou and there are no wrong or right answers I think - whatever option you choose to take I think you're always left wondering if you have done the right thing, could do more or could be more. I sometimes get in a whirl with all the different hats I put on in the course of a day and then stand back and think "God, when did life get so complicated?". But hey - I'm not complaining - I am happy with my current balance. Tho if things tip one way I think I would start to feel the pressure! Fab post and love that picture. As an aside, the lady in it is wearing the same Jimmy Choo's that I have if I'm not mistaken! Hope your dentist trip is ok today - let me know how you get on. xxx
ReplyDeleteHi Louise - this is really interesting for me - I have long been the bearer of bad news to working women everywhere (there's no such thing as 'having it all'). I speak as a mother and sometime sole parent who had no choice but to work....somehow you muddle through & do whatever it takes to be there for your children on important days....but to do that out of choice?? I think for a long time we have been doing ourselves a great disservice - being drawn in to the hype from every direction, TV shows populated by glossy actresses portraying women seemingly living perfectly ordered lives, working 20 hours a day and then entertaining their friends with gourmet food whilst having a couple of affairs in their spare time.....Real life is rather different...oh dear, I could go on & on!!! Mothers the world over do the best they can with the choices they have available in my experience....we're only human after all! x
ReplyDeleteoh this is the age-old position that women, and it seems only women, still find themselves in...
ReplyDeletei totally agree that there is *no having it all*...without a doubt aiming for this produces small cracks that do nothing but expand to let in more balancing, more expectations- and often more dissapointment...
i, fortunately, work from home- after the school run i can achieve as little or as much as i give myself time for....if the work is not done- yes it is on my shoulders- but it does allow me a certain balance that i think all working mothers who leave the house for, really never get...
i feel for your friend, as you obviously do, very much...now she has the coverted role...how does the rest of her *existence* become managable...
i think you may have something very close to as *good-as-it's-going-to-get* in your cloning theory...one at home and one at work....
how do you manage it all?
melissa x
I actually found it quite uncomfortable reading. I don't know why. When my girls were little, I commuted into London daily, to a job I loved but one that enabled me, as a single mum, to pay the mortgage and keep them in private school. I was out of the door at 6.30am and home around 7pm, 5 days a week. My Mum (also on her own) stayed at my house from Monday to Friday, but I always felt guilty. When I had Little Man, I never went back and now work locally, self employed. I still miss the money, I want the wage but not the time away from my son. I am so glad I have had a chance to be around for him, he is more important than a career. I have always loved fashion, clothes and spending money on them, so the blog gives me the opportunity to talk about all that, so I am happy.
ReplyDeleteYou can't have it all.....you are quite right. it is as simple as that.
ReplyDeleteI think what it comes down to, if you are lucky enough to have the (financial) choice, is are you happy with what you do?
If the mother you talk about is exhausted but happy, then fine....if she's not, then it becomes one exhausting day struggling and juggling after another.
I know lots of mothers who work, lots of them p/t, some of them f/t and they all have help - without exception. To do a job f/t and then try to run a home and family f/t is nigh on impossible.
I think you have written this very sensitively by the way....it is a very touchy issue - particularly amongst women. We do all judge each other even if we claim we don't!
I haven't worked outside the home for almost 5 years now since I had my last child and I think it is important for me to be home with my children and to be available for them. Out of my close Uni friends, I am the only one who doesn't work (and we all have children) and I think even they probably think I should work and don't understand why I don't - and probably there are a couple of them, that I don't necessarily think what they are doing is right either. Each to their own.
I have a really great friend who worked f/t and had a live-in au pair until her 2 girls went to school - and she gave up work and stayed home - which seemed a really odd way round to do things!!
Reading the above, I shouldn't imagine your friend is a single mother....I think more of the "home" role naturally falls to you as a woman and mother, wrong though that might be. My husband works very long hours - but even if I went back to work f/t or p/t, he wouldn't cut his hours, and I know things would fall to me to organise at home!
Being a mother is about all the good stuff....but it's also about guilt, sacrifices and choices whether you work or not. I couldn't actually bear to miss any of my children's events...but that's just me....nothing is worth that for me. And actually the last 5 years have been a sacrifice financially, so it's not as though I am saying that I don't work because I don't have to....I don't work because I think personally it's the right thing to do.
Can't wait to read more comments on this subject :)
xoxo
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ReplyDeleteHello Ladies - love the comments, I knew it might provoke some. As to whether my friend is a single mother, no she isn't interestingly. However she, like me, has a husband who works long hours and therefore is simply not around to provide support to the household/childcare matters in any reliable way. If he goes at 6am gets back at 9/10pm due to a commute and long hours...it just doesn't work for school pick-up. It's all about choices again!
ReplyDeleteOh my...this is one of the things that scares me the most. My only comment is that you have to prepare yourself to not be perfect in one of the jobs. You can't be 100% mother and 100% worker. One of those areas is jsut going to have to be compromised. I don't know which one it will be for me yet. Its going to be frustrating, I presume, so it's jsut about managing expectations...I guess? I dont' know, I guess I'll find out as it happens...which is not for another few years hopefully:) Great insightful post. Thanks for this hun xxx LZ
ReplyDeleteHi Lou - this topic has been so much on my mind of late so just have to throw in my thoughts! I too am off the belief that you can't have it all as something has to be sacrificed. I have not worked (in the earning money sense) since having our eldest 6 years ago and personally I know I could not run the house in the fashion I like it to be run if I were to go "out" to work - something would have to give and I am not sure if I am happy with that - I know some of my friends that work f/t don't think twice about it as things at home are just not as important but that is not me and I don't think I could handle the juggle. At the same time however it has become very apparent to me in the past few weeks while the kids have been home for school holidays that I desperately need my creative outlet and the fact that they have wanted my undivided attention has made me a little frustrated - I have been toying with the idea of starting up a party planning business so that I can have something creative to keep my mind ticking but I am scared that something will then go a miss at home - I have a husband that works long hours so he cannot drop things if I need help at school pick-up time - so here I sit not really doing anything because I am torn! Oh as you say the battle of motherhood - the clone sounds perfect so where do I get one? In the meantime I will just pretend my blog is my little business - now I just have to work out how it can make me some money to keep the husband happy! Look forward to reading more. Leanne xx
ReplyDeleteLou, I do think men have the luxury of being able to focus 100% on a career, to have the worries and needs of their children and household taken care of by someone they trust (mother). That peace of mind to be completely involved in their work is afforded to them by the mother/wife (usually), EVEN if the mother works. Most of the time, she is still the one to take care of the home, food, schooling and events. It must be lovely to be able to throw yourself into your work with zero stress on the home front.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for your friend, I am sure she is very stressed and likely guilty. I also wonder if she could put her foot down about her Friday off. If she is exceptional at ther job, I have a feeling she would swing it as promised.
Thought provoking as usual Lou. I could almost feel this poor mothers stress.
Chania
Yea - this is something I think about a lot - and I'm not even a mom!! I guess I'll figure it out in time....
ReplyDeletexo
jess
http://CheapButChicClothes.blogspot.com/
ooh, this is such a great post, and so well-said.
ReplyDeletei don't have kids and am not married, but like jess said, it's something i think about a lot, especially since i consider myself a career-driven person. my mom worked when my brother and i were growing up; when i was too little for school, i had a "nanny" during the day, and when i was old enough for school, the nanny would pick me up and stay with me and my brother until my mom got home from work. luckily, she worked in education, so we always had summers and full holidays with her, but i also remember that she got her master's degree when i was four or five and that sometimes i didn't see her until eight o'clock at night.
i think you're right: it's hard to have it all. there's no easy way to do it--if there is one at all.
again, LOVED this post! xo, hope you are well, my dear.
Really thought-provoking stuff. Like most people have said I don't think there is a right or a wrong - most of us just muddle through and at some point something has to give. The fact that it always seems to be the women that are expected (or allowed?) to give something up is frustrating and sad for both men and women, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder if finding that elusive perfect balance is ever going to be within our reach...
Lou my darling,I hope you are doing fabulous! Lovely post. Really made me think even MORE on a topic I constantly ponder about...
ReplyDeleteThis post is a perfect example of why I sometimes let people know that I just don’t want kids for a really long time (when they ask and ask and ask when we will be having our first). I get that I am young and have plenty of time left in my life to change my mind, yet I have so many personal goals and professional goals that I feel I have worked really hard to somewhat achieve; I would hate to be in the same situation as your friend. Like you perfectly said; you can’t have it all. So you better know what you want before you set off to have those kids. If I do ever decide to become a mom (which I may) I will do so when I can admit in my heart and mind that I am 100% ready to be the best mom possible to that child. Any less and I wouldn’t be doing my job right. I hope your friend finds some balance. Nothing would be worse than being torn between your professional dreams/ambitions and your baby.
Hope you are doing fabulous my darling. Guess what?! 72 days until the big day!! I am so excited Lou :) Chat soon xoxox
what a great post lou, i think about this myself alot. I really feel for that women- she wants a great job but in the end her kids feel the impact just as much as she does. You worded this perfectly, and i can tell you put alot into it. love it!
ReplyDeletexxx
Brynn
Oh I must comment, and share a bit about my story... perhaps it will help, or maybe not...
ReplyDeleteMy Mother left my Dad when I was just a year old. Before that, she went back to work full time when I was just 3 months old. Each day, she would drop me off at my Grandma's house so that she could take care of me during the day. That way, she knew that the morals and love that she herself couldn't offer during the day would be given to me most certainly. My Mum and I still had weekends completely together, but I certainly missed my Mum. There is nothing like your Mother.
When my Mum remarried when I was 7, my stepdad was a firm believer that a Mother should be with her children, if he was off working, and could provide. My Mum would help him with his company as needed, still giving her a sense of career, but she knew that she could work from home and be with us. Perhaps this is not the only reason, but we are such a tight knit family. My brothers and I are so thankful to my parents for their sacrifices. Now that my siblings and I are older, my Mum feels the desire, freedom and knowledge to venture into her dreams... something that is all her. She says the timing is perfect, and we couldn't agree more... it's her time...
Not that what has occurred in my life would work for everyone, but it has worked for our family :)
Thank you for sharing this food for thought -- the decisions we make not only effects us, but others close to us as well. Important to remember.
xoxo
Hey Sweet Friend. Wow- this is a provocative post. We as women are our own worst critics and enemies. I think everyone has to find the path that works for them. I certainly have moments of regret. I chose to stay home all these 21 odd years with my kids. I wonder what my life would look like if I persued an exciting career...she says wistfully. I guess I still can and will but also know I need to do the mom gig a bit longer. I don't really think you can have it all. Not all at once. The forward thinking companies that support family coming first are where we need to head. I had a good friend who pretty much stopped talking to me after she had her kids. She is a working woman who has small kids in childcare. As I said chose (and am lucky in this econ) to saty home. She made a comment that she needed more in life as if staying home was beneath her intellectual comfort zone. :) Silly. Why we are so hard on eachother I will never understand.
ReplyDeleteLove and hopeful hugs for you and your friend. I haop she finds a way to carve some peace
Laurel
I am still childless so I can be selfish.. but where is her husband to help at night :S
ReplyDeleteIf I was doing a dream job, I'd expect him to contibute at home as well. I'm probably just being naive!
x
Hi LouBou,
ReplyDeleteI think you raise really good points. Yes, of course I think it's important for mothers to have careers for themselves if that's what they want. And obviously many women have no choice to work. BUT I think it's unrealistic to try to stretch this thinly and still be a good mom. There isn't enough time, or energy it seems, for motherhood. Perhaps she doesn't realize it, but it seems, like you said, that she's looking for a replacement mom. You put it much nicer than I have.
I know what you mean. This is a delicate issue. There is so much to consider and it depends on the situation and the people involved. Life is so complicated. I like that you are so sensitive to this woman. Not blaming her or bashing her.
-Ashley
Hi Lou, What a great thought provoking post - and the comments make such thoughtful reading too. It seems that we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. I felt so uncomfortable myself reading your story as I recognised some familiar scenarios! I don't believe I've ever had a teacher stand in for me at school, but have certainly not got to all the school events that the non-working Mums are lucky enough to get to. Like you I choose to work - and in my own business. But that doesn't make the constant juggling any easier or less guilt-free. My husband also has his own business and I am fortunate in that when he is in town his hours are flexible and he can help with the school run. However, when he travels, which is often, life gets very complicated. I think we have to accept help - it is impossible to do everything. Until my youngest went to school we were so lucky to have a full-time nanny, and even luckier to have the same nanny for eight years. Financially it didn't make total sense, but mentally and in every other respect it was brilliant. Wish I could still justify it now! Thanks for touching on such a raw nerve for all of us! Amanda x
ReplyDeleteBasically it's a minefield...........I have a friend who, having been told she couldn't concieve did, twice, and because she and her husband were starting their own business put them into a nursery at 3 months. They are 2 of the loveliest, well-adjusted, happy, confident teenagers I've ever met. Mine, for whom I was on-hand, was not....and a friend who was very sadly widowed, returned to full-time work while raising his kids and everyone said, 'wow what a guy....can I help?' no one ever said, 'shouldn't you stay at home'..... I guess it's whatever you can make work....
ReplyDeleteOMG Lou this is such a difficult one, isn't it? I have a friend right now who is late 30's and has been trying to conceive for 5 years. She said - we spend a good portion of our early 20's trying not to get pregnant and get established in our careers, then when we are (established) we can't get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteIt was said in passing and really resonated with me.
This mom you speak of. What a predicament she is in. Torn between work and home and the children in the middle. Ugh. Not a position I would envy at all. It certainly requires a great degree of self-sacrifice - and which direction to aim the bulk of that in?
Ugh
You made your point graciously without pointing fingers as to right or wrong but rather at the struggle. Well done.
xo-Carrie
I have to say I cringed at the part of the teacher standing in for the mum...ouch.
I'm truly blessed to be able to stay at home. However, if I had to find a job I can't imagine the changes that would come to our family. None of them easy. I think that working mom's have an incredibly difficult job indeed.
ReplyDeleteFab (and brave!) post as always, Lou. I can't comment in any substantive way as I don't have children, but I must admit that this is an issue I contemplate from time to time. This is very much forward thinking, I know, but the flexibility of my current workplace is often the only thing that keeps me here, just in case I ever get (re)married and have kids someday! I honestly don't think that women can have it all, but thankfully we have a lot more options than we used to and there is hopefully a growing recognition of the endless push and pull of trying to achieve a family/work balance, but I'm still not sure that it's anywhere near where it should be (Australia is finally introducing paid parental leave next year! It's not a lot but it is at least a small start).
ReplyDeleteThe challenge of the modern women!! You absolutely cannot have it all. With whatever choice you make comes a sacrifice. You and only you can determine how great the sacrifice is. I am a working mum to 3 girls. I work 4 days a week with 1 of those days working from home. My commute to work is 1.5hrs each way. As Monday rolls around I always get a sense of anticipation - it is like running a marathon every week. Some weeks it all works out and other weeks it doesnt! We have talked about moving to the country, giving up work etc etc, but you have to be careful about the rainbows that you chase. Are they really there and can you grab hold of them? Will that bring you happiness?? One thing I am going to tell my girls is that it is extremely difficult for both parents to have a career. I believe you can still have a job, but a career is incredibly demanding. My husband and I both have careers as opposed to jobs and it is tough. All the hard stuff at home falls back onto the Mother and that is not because the Father is slack. It is just the way it is......
ReplyDeleteAre there ever easy choices for mothers to make? I do believe you cannot have it all. Something is always compromised, even if its just a little. I'm lucky to be a SAHM through choice. After my son was born 7 years ago, I did return to work 3 days a week. That was by far enough. I stopped completely when he turned one. I felt I had missed so much of him during that first year. My Huzz travels about 45% of his time. If I were to work, I'd be continually chasing my tail and nobody would be happy. and my work load at home would not diminish I'm sure (even with a wonderful Huzz). Of course there are days when I would love to be back in the working world, dressed for the city, away from the children - but they are few and far between. My respect goes to all mothers who work and juggle such busy lives though. Its not always an easy choice whatever you choose.
ReplyDeleteLou - that was such a well written post and as a working mom of two young kids I totally agree on this. But sometimes mothers don't have a choice - I work full time, I come home and the house is a mess, I have to make a healthy nutricious dinner, get the kids in bed and by that time I am exhausted. And this is all not by choice - unfortunately I cannot even afford to go part-time. I think that is the best balance - if mothers work part-time and spend more time with their kids. And of course it would help, if I could afford a cleaning lady too.
ReplyDelete