Thursday, 8 August 2013

Here's what I'm going to do...

Wait, here's what I'm not going to do...let's imagine any old evening; I will not have that creeping feeling that I should be logging on to my laptop and checking my work email. I will not, the next day, search the inner reaches of my memory to recall the dial-in code to conference calls when I am driving, on the school run. I will not have to tell my kids to be quiet or worst still gesture at them furiously to pipe down because 'someone important' has called me. I will not have to sit opposite my boss (who by the way was lovely, but nevertheless) and be appraised  once a year and told that I have been given a rating between 1 and 4 for my performance and contribution. I will not have to put on high heels and drive to work in them, and stumble across the car-park balancing briefcase and handbag and keys and phone. I will not have that wild 'what-day-is-it?' feeling as soon as my eyes open where I immediately start planning contingencies, virtually in my sleep. I will not come home to dirty breakfast dishes, still on my kitchen table.

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But I will no longer have colleagues. I will not go for coffee and kill an hour on someone else's time (or dollar). I will not get peppy emails telling me of new company endeavours and policies. I will no longer know the very latest in developments, patents and amazing achievements of my former employer. I will no longer have that flush of pride when I speak about my profession.

What I will do is look after my family, and try to preempt their needs (and mine). I will walk the dog and strengthen my body again. I will search after well being - although it feels sometimes as if I am trying to capture something as nebulous as a fire fly. I will get good sleep. I will read. I will write. I will decide where to go with the oils. I will have flowers indoors; often. I will have lazy chats with my kids in those stolen moments at the end of the day when they serve up little bits of wisdom or worry. I will clean my house. I will surely sigh as I do so, knowing that I live with three people who seem to do nothing but mess up my clean house.

And the irony is that despite the fact that I think I am changing my life and being free of the constraints that held me, I see something like this and note that I am just hiding in the corner whilst the world carries on in the rest of the room. I have huge admiration for those who can really live a different life; one that goes beyond choosing a different destination for their holidays or fretting over what to wear or such 'small' decisions. There just isn't really a radical bone in my body and I don't generally get wanderlust or feel that I should teach my children about the world by visiting every part of it with them. Is that wrong? Surely in the end it comes down to bravery and temperament? But at the moment, I am taking a big cleansing breath and starting fresh, my way.

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5 comments:

  1. Unknown8 August 2013 at 12:08

    Sometimes it's good to make huge changes or just jump off the cliff, so to speak....but I think that the most important thing is making changes, big or small, that are comfortable for you & that suit your life - they don't necessarily have to take you out of your comfort zone to be good or positive changes.

    The Goodwin adventure looks amazing, something most people would claim they dream of doing, although most people are unlikely do it in reality, for many different reasons. Also, the Goodwins are doing it with a film crew, which while it doesn't lessen their adventure does mean that they are in a fairly safe & controlled environment.

    I like to think I'd do it, my husband is highly unlikely to ever do something like that....and I guess the time to do these things is when your children are younger, school doesn't matter quite as much etc.

    I just read a great piece in last month's "Red" about a woman who travelled in some fairly dangerous parts of Asia with her two young boys.

    You feel good about leaving work ...."retiring", although it still makes me smile when you call it that ;)....and that's the important thing. It's all about choice really isn't it....and this is YOUR choice.

    Am exciting for you, it took a lot & a long time to reach this point and I think it's going to be great for you Xx

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  2. Vannessa@Luxuria8 August 2013 at 19:21

    I think what you "won't" be doing anymore is reason to jump up kicking your heels together. I know exactly how you feel Lou as I was where you are 13 years ago. I too was terrified of no longer being defined by my profession. I "mourned" for my corporate life for about 1 month before coming to the realisation there was so much more I wanted to do than add to someone else's "bottom line". Whilst we are sitting in our bosses office being appraised and urged to do more in less time, the only care is are we "profitable". I am so proud now to be a "corporate refugee" and not having my worth/value decided by someone else. Just give yourself time to soak up the changes Lou. Don't rush your feelings and savor every small step you make on your new adventure. You may wish to read "Free Range Humans" by Marianne Cantwell. After reading it you will wonder why you didn't jump ship sooner.
    If you fancy e-mailing me feel free xx

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  3. Lori10 August 2013 at 02:55

    I know that you put a lot of thought into your decision Lou and bravo to you for taking the leap. This post made me think and re-examine my own job and changes I can make ~ albeit small ones to my attitude to make my job more enjoyable ~ thank you for that xoxo

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  4. cheap runescape gold12 August 2013 at 03:08

    I realize that you simply convey a lot of thought to your decision Lou as well as bravo to you to take the particular leap. This informative article helped me believe as well as re-examine my personal job along with modifications buy runescape gold

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  5. LouLou in Paris15 August 2013 at 11:45

    Lou, I really appreciated this post and that you're choosing to share your feelings about this change you're currently going through. As a 27 year old with a French degree, living in Paris and working for an international organisation, I'm constantly trying to think of how to change my career path. I know it is more complicated because of the attitude of the country i am living in, compared to the UK or New York for example. But i don't want to rest on my laurels and use this excuse to be constrained, which is how i sometimes feel. I know i'll get there :)

    It seems like you've closed the door on a wonderful career and are now taking the steps to figure out what comes next. I like the ideas that you have about just looking after yourself, and your family, for now. That sounds good, that sounds healthy. I have a really good feeling that this is the start of an exciting new phase for you. Enjoy this time!

    Lou xxxx

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