I did come away from that school hall wondering - what's it all about? Why is it that we feel compelled to propel our children headlong into the best of all opportunities. At the exam, the mother's tongues were positively clacking with competitiveness as we waited for our off-spring to be released. Talk of private tutors and years worth of preparation to get in the 'right' school.
Admittedly we too have aimed high; this school is allegedly one of the country's best and they like that 'quirk' factor in their intake. Pupils who are academic, sure, but who also will go on to be captains of industry and in their spare time climb Kilimanjaro for charity. I got a sense of disquiet as we left, and it remains with me, when I wonder why we want to subject Boo to the rigours of a competitive school. We were advised to try for this school and whilst there is a flush of pride at the prospect of her success, there is also the concern that at the young age of 10, she could also taste academic 'failure'.
And those super-mothers that my friends and I encountered; I am not sure what to make of them. Two observations; there is always a degree to which we vicariously live through our children's success. And secondly, for those lucky ones who also experienced the benefits of the best schooling the country had to offer in their youth, there is that sense of entitlement. As I had a pretty average childhood, with average state schooling, I think I am always slightly in awe of those mothers who take all that privilege for granted. It's what they are used to. I do acknowledge that my life is privileged but somewhere, deep down, I justify that with the fact that my husband and I worked really hard for it and still do. It was never a given.
The other feature of my disquiet is the certain knowledge that whatever happens; whether it's this school or another, come September she will be moving into a whole different sphere. One where I inhabit a much smaller place. Parental input will come in the form of once-a-term teacher/parent meetings and each day, instead of me kissing her goodbye in her classroom, she will be out on her own. Dropped at school by bus. Such a strange reality to face. It is simultaneously wildly exciting; my child out in the world! But also terrifying; my child out in the world!!
As ever with parenthood, it's bittersweet. As each stage passes I look back on the previous one and consider how lovely it was back then. But despite any trepidation I have this frisson of pure excitement at what she is going to grow into. What she will become. I can't wait to see.
Lou what a lovely post. I went through exactly the same thing with my eldest daughter last year - when I dropped her off at one exam I felt I was sending her to the Gallows! One of my good friends described it as worse than cutting the cord! And the competitiveness, I learnt - you can just step away from it.
ReplyDeleteThere is, however, in your post the inkling of what will be will be -and that reassuringly is so right. My daughter and all her friends from her very small prep school ended up at diverse places (state schools, grammar schools and independent's) and all are happy and in the right place (even if that is not where they and their parents saw them!). And even if they weren't - do you know children are so adaptable they could move and be fine.
My own daughter is very happy and is not where we thought she would go at first - it is difficult to put them on that bus and wave goodbye but it is so exciting to see the young woman she will become. She has enjoyed so many new things and embraces it all with such enthusiasm. She has also become very organised (which was very unlike her) and is broadening her horizons.. what more could we ask ... than a happy and confident child.
So what will be will be and I approach my middle daughter's exam's from September (round two for us) with so much more calmness and equanimity (except the blasted VR papers!!!!).
Amanda (tashyp) x
Dear Lou,
ReplyDeleteI am happy to know that Boo´s exam went well and the stress and anxiety about it are over. I do understand you! Sometimes it is so hard to know what´s right to choose for our children!My daughter is 14 and I still sometimes say to myself "My child out in the world!", a more dangerous world then when I was a teenager....On one hand you can not prevent your child from living, on the other hand your mother´s instincts tell you to protect her as much as possible.
I guess we will have to live with that dilemna...
Wishing you a lovely week ahead, Warm hug, Manuela
Oh my goodness, I couldn't agree more....exciting AND very scary!!
ReplyDeleteI know you are looking at several schools - as was I - and making the "right" choice is a HUGE decision. What I always thought I wanted for my daughter was not what I ended up choosing - I hope I've made the right choice. It's hard to know isn't it?
My cousins grew up in Somerset, there was really only one (state) school to choose from and so all three of them went there - and did brilliantly. Two of them got firsts at Uni and they all lead very happy and fulfilling lives, two of them are academics. We had - and have - so much choice, too much sometimes I think!!
I know that you absolutely appreciate your life and I am sure that is what will make the difference for your beautuful Boo, she will have the ability to appreciate, consider and not take any of it for granted. No sense of entitlement for her.
Lovely post Lou XX
Miss.Lou- I've been thinking of you an awful lot lately- as I know our gorgeous Simone here had chosen with her beautiful one where they were heading in Sept....I have just sent our three back to school in Australia for the first time in four years- I did so with much excitement and anxiety I must admit!
DeleteTwo went to new schools & one back to his old school -but into his final primary school year...
Needless to say - they amazed us and are incredibly happy to be back home.
However Boo goes in her exam- she will be guided by a wonderful mother and be a wonderful woman...
Melissa xxx
I realise I absolutely took my private school education for granted, and assumed our kids would go to private schools to, that we would scape together what was needed to get them into the schools that suited them best and would give them great opportunites.
ReplyDeleteInfact we moved to a rural village that has an outstanding state primary school and they all went there - 3 out of 4 loved it, and the one who didn't went to a prep school that suited his needs better. It has been a wonderful start for them, and when our eldest got a scholarship to a fantastic public school we thought he would fly. He did really well there but hated the travelling and not being with local friends, so for GCSEs we moved him back to our local comprehensive in town. He has absolutely thrived. I am not sure he has the best facilities or is surrounded by future captains of industry at every turn, but he is happy, successful and a really engaged 17 year old, much happier than he was at the private school. He is sitting Oxbridge exams next year. The reason I am telling you all this is that it seems to me that for all our worries and concerns as parents, they end up showing us where they will thrive best! Nothing is set in stone, and moving schools has not been difficult for our kids. I really feel that maternal ache though, seeing them have to stand on their own two feet, so proud of them, but secretly so wanting to still protect them! I'm sure your lovely daughter will do really well where ever she goes, knowing her mum is always and forever in her corner! xx
Ha! My private school education has obviously failed to teach me how to spell!! Sorry for typos above, I'm about to fly out of the door, and typing too fast! ;)x
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your daughter did well on the test. Even though I don't have children on my own yet, I can understand your worries. I think they are part of being a parent - always wondering if you are doing the right thing. But I firmly believe that parents do what they feel in their heart is best. Sometimes there is just not an exact answer to what is best.
ReplyDeleteLuckily the school system in Denmark is very non-competitive, but we have both state schools and private schools. My sister and I both went to the local state school - she loved it - I hated it. However, our acquisition of knowledge and our desire to learn did not come from school, but from home. And we've both done rather well despite going to the local state school:-). My sister is a consultant doctor and I Master of Arts.
I think your daughter will know and discover where she thrives. Sometimes life has a way of knowing what is best for us despite all our plans.
Sorry for rambling on!
All the best to you and your daughter
Carina
I love the post and love the comments as well. I agree that there isn't a single "right" answer for every child, or every family. Love and feel your enthusiasm and excitement about seeing who your daughter will become. It's the scariest and most exciting part of parenthood, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteWow! I can't imagine the stress you feel as a mother. I went to the local state school, loved every minute and then went onto London University. My sister went to one of the best private schools in London, followed by 3 years at Chelsea Art School (private). My sister is 40 now and has never worked a day in her life, with social skills that leave a lot to be desired. She has grown up with an air of superiority that I am convinced came from her school years. Lets just say I think I did considerably better ;-)
ReplyDeleteHope this helps ;-)
Sorry, Lou, about the mistakes. I typed too quickly. Hug, Manuela
ReplyDeleteThe idea of an exam at age 10 which could so heavily weigh on a child's entire future still sends a shiver through me!
ReplyDeleteWe sent our bright, creative daughter to an "alternative" school (Rudolf Steiner in Europe, called Waldorf schools in the U.S.), where, with four other GIRLS in her class, she did her entire education (from pre-kindergarten through graduation). Others (boys included) came and went, doing primary there but moving to more standard (and some exclusive) secondary schools; flunking out of secondary and enrolling at the Steiner for their final academic years.
Daughter then proceeded to get accepted by -- and drop out of -- TWO prestigious art colleges (in Antwerp and Brussels).
Yes, there IS a point.
After retrospectively freaking out (when she quit the Antwerp College of Fine Arts -- having been one of 20 selected from several hundred -- because she was "bored"), beating myself up for doing her a "disservice" in choosing for an alternative education rather than putting her in the standard and quite rigorous Belgian state school system & continually hearing my (very exclusively educated) mother's condemnations ("You ruined her! She should have been reading at three!"),...I decided to let go (with love, of course!).
After a further year off (waiting tables in a local cafe, living at home and paying "rent"), she "found her groove", did an intensive course and finished top of her class in graphic design and desktop publishing. (She also continues to paint in her free time.)
Once she found her "passion", she embraced it. She's happy. She has work that she loves and can do from anywhere in the world (where there's internet access!) for the rest of her life.
I, too, continue to look forward with wonder & excitement.