How am I?

Regular and long term readers will know that I have been suffering with unexplained pain for some time now. Even as I write that I wince slightly in the knowledge that unexplained pain is so much more...kooky...than the explained. And whilst being mildly kooky has always been part of my charm, in this instance it is the worse possible characteristic.

Having seen specialist after specialist, practitioner after practitioner, I am still left without a clear diagnosis but know that day to day I live with pain in the way that gardeners live with the blight of weeds in their flower beds. Some days it bothers me less; some days it's as if a gigantic thistle has emerged, its prickles threatening to puncture every good thing in my day. I have read and read and read about what 'it' might be, what can I can do to make it go away. I have taken baby steps of recovery over recent months where my attitude has been: I live with this pain, I won't let it ruin my life.

The medics have called it 'Atypical Facial Pain'...which means they don't know what it is or what causes it, but it manifests itself as pain in the nerves in the face. This is what it feels like: tooth ache crossed with numbness crossed with I-need-to-lay-my-head-down throbbing in my jaw.

This will be the second Christmas where I have had this in my life and accept that thought with stoicism; there are plenty of people who suffer worse. I can function, it's just not that pleasant sometimes.

I am seeing a Physio-therapist who believes that this pain is all muscular; that over a long time the muscles in my neck and shoulders have got themselves into such a mess that they are constantly in painful spasm. She thinks this was triggered by a fall I had when skiing, which happened just before the pain started in 2010. She thinks she can fix me but that much of the emphasis has to be on me; on how I live and stand and walk and behave in between appointments. It's all about posture and eradicating bad habits; no slouching!

But in addition there is this other layer of action that might fix this problem. Yoga stretches. Over months, if I do yoga stretches each day, eventually my muscles will learn to live again and be normal. Then the pain should ease away. Secondly, Meditation. Yep. The answer lies in calmness. There is such an irony in this; as regular readers will also know, I have taken steps to make my life much calmer. For my addled mind, it has worked a treat, I am now calm. But in my body, as the pain persists, the calmness has not seeped in and worked its wonders.

So I am left now with a challenge. For months I have had this idea of meditation in my mind and have, I admit, dispelled it as fancy. I get that it probably makes you feel relaxed, but I have yet to accept that it will actually cure my pain. I have read book after book about this and there is proven, clinical evidence of its success. But really...really?? I am a sceptic. I need however to embrace this doctrine and try it. Properly and in earnest. Otherwise I find my mind racing ahead with the thought that if I don't ever cure this pain, it will be my uninvited friend forever. It's already the elephant in the room on some family days, when everyone is having a great time but where my kids see that Mummy is 'having a bad day'. Boo says to me 'do you need a hug Mummy?' and I know her childlike empathy has come, and that there is nothing she can do but offer hug-comfort.

And so my new year's resolution becomes clear...and maybe one day I can report that the pain has gone and left me free from it forever...