April, come she will...

posted on: Friday, 5 February 2016

There's this crazy-sentimental side emerging in me, well, it was always there but it's just got a lot more distinct lately. I see pictures taken from the seventies and eighties, you know with that slight haze and all that brown furniture and I think: pure childhood. I hear a Simon and Garfunkel song and it makes my heart ache; I don't even know why because my parents didn't even listen to them that much when I was growing up - more like The Carpenters or The Eagles. But still, it's steeped in sentimentality.

It might be to do with the book writing; it makes you trawl your memory for every little forgotten detail and the feelings you associated with it. Or it may be because last Friday my husband's parents lost their oldest, best friend in a dreadful car crash. I find it hard to write that, the finality of it makes me hate looking at it printed on the screen. Like if I don't type it, it won't be true. But it is true and it's pulled everything about the past and the present and even the future into very sharp and sad focus.

People you remember being around your family when you were growing up; your parents best friends, the friends of your siblings. I look at my friends now (see previous post) and think about how my kids will remember them when they are older and look back on when we have had dinners or parties or days out or holidays with these buddies. How they'll get a strange feeling of comfort when they see them far into the future because it will make them think of that purity of their childhood.

I think about the present and how we get up each morning and go about the day, making a million little choices that don't mean a whole lot: what shall we have for dinner, have I paid that bill? Remember to call so-and-so. 1000 words a day. Collect the kids from school. And it all meshes into this big thing called everyday life.

I look to the future and wonder what the hell that's going to look like! I have no clue - all I know is that the weeks seem to be going by awfully fast and yes, this year my husband and I will have been together for TWENTY FOUR years! This figure just seems impossible. Then I imagine us maybe aged 90 and 94 respectively, talking about how we have been together for an age and we will be interviewed for a documentary. Maybe. And along the way we all just secretly hope that the bad stuff doesn't happen to us so that we get to carry on and be happy.

It's a peculiar thing.

I have to refrain from thinking too deeply about 'what it's all about' and instead cling to the day to day. A college submission due on Monday (3000 words). Soup for lunch (pea and leek). A night out in London tonight (Fulham wine bar). Getting my roots done next week (thank God). Half term looming (what shall I do with them?). Where shall we go on holiday in the summer? (my vote is Cape Cod). Waste a few hours online; scrolling here and there (Pinterest you are a time-suck). Really ought to finish that submission...

I hope this weekend finds you relaxed. Try not to think too much; note to self: I shall do the same!


  1. I'm so sorry to read about your husband's parents dear friend, it must be such a sad time for you all.

    This post made my heart tighten, not just to read of the crash, but your words describe exactly how I've been feeling of late.

    Such good advice, not to think too much!

  2. Twenty-four years is quite an accomplishment! I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your parent's friend.

  3. So sorry to hear of your husband's parents friend. When people have been in or round your life for so long it is such a shock to lose them especially in such horrid circumstances. I hope the weather improves for half term next week. Enjoy your time in London x

  4. Great post Lou.
    Death does awful things to our memories (I think). I lost my Mum when I was young and just lost my Dad last year and the questions it constantly raises in my mind has me running around in circles most days. I still have no answers as to what's it's all about, why are we here, etc etc. I just try and take one day at a time now and not analyse too much why it happened to me (that's the worst question you can ask yourself). But it really does change you as a person i.e what becomes important and what you no longer care two hoots about. It's 20 years for my Husband and I this year and we have big travel plans. And then fear and sadness grip me from nowhere and I think maybe I will just stay under the duvet all year ;-)

  5. Good luck with the submission. Enjoy this blustery weekend.

  6. Yes! This is exactly my frame of mind lately. So much nostalgia, so much quiet to ponder the big questions, so much work, the usual cleaning and exercise and drudgery...

    24 years!?! Congratulations! This year is 14 for our marriage, 17 years together overall. Those numbers freak me out, as does the recognition that my sons are 6 and 9. 9!

    I second the vote for Cape Cod! :-)

    (Oh, by the way, The Algarve isn't going to happen for us this year, very unfortunately. We're going to spend a few days in Dublin on our way to visit my sister in Barcelona. It'll be fun. Portugal will have to wait. Maybe next time...)