White-knuckled ride...

posted on: Friday, 8 May 2015

I go through a series of life phases which take up residence and then last a few months. Lather, rinse, repeat. At the moment things feel...how can I say?...tiring. Tricky. In fact as I write that I wonder whether they are in fact tricky or whether it is me who finds this to be the case? I wonder about my tenacity. I wish I were stronger. Then I wish I could be kinder to myself because I know deep down I can be strong enough.


I knew that this Spring would represent a bit of a strange time. We have a house to finish, I have time to kill before I start my Masters, my children are growing and changing every day. I am still locked into the daily life of a housewife and not getting any better at it! It feels like I have been the parent of a teenager for the longest time and I remind myself that it has ONLY been a year! Teenage parenting is a bit like childbirth; when you are in it, you just get your head down and hope to come out the other side! And when I do I suspect I will block out the truth of it and forget just how challenging a time it was!

I don't want to do my beautiful teenage daughter a disservice; I am sure one day she will read this and think: wtf? Actually, she is doing fine. It's me and my reactions that are not. There are some people who breeze through life - the glass-half-full people - my husband is one, I can attest to their existence. But being a glass-half-empty person? Yep, it's a white knuckle ride.

In amongst this there's other baggage about keeping my cool and actually being the grown up. I can still listen to music from the 1980's and literally feel my heart clench with nostalgia for my youth. I wonder, on a daily basis, how did I get to be a 41 year old?! Much as I am 'owning' being in my 40's and like many of the good things that come with it, it is still a shock to me that I am this age. And the biggest observation I would make about all of this is that the more time you have to think about it, the fewer answers present themselves. Funny how that goes.

Meanwhile, I long for sun and heat (no change), I found the perfect white blazer (still shopping, still having the guilt-sweats), I am thinking of upping my yoga classes to three a week. I found these very achingly stylish kicks when in Brighton with a friend. I didn't purchase them though!

There are rooms in my house so in need of renovation that I can barely bring myself to walk into them! There is an inevitability about the building work that is to come; we can't not do it, we are neck deep and must complete. But the prospect of it makes me need to take a deep inward breath. No one likes living like that. I concentrate on the end point and the styling and how it will all be worth it. I try to imagine the farmhouse we currently have and what it will look like when the entire back wall of the house is taken off and replaced with glass. I idle away hours looking for the perfect image of the interplay between old and new. I fret about whether my slightly strange, Danish, quirky interior style will translate. Let's see...

But most of all I try to remind myself that all of these things - these so-called 'First World Problems' pale into insignificance really. I have a healthy, happy family and we have a roof over our heads. That should be enough shouldn't it?!

Oh and I started writing. Like properly writing. A password protected document on my computer with the title 'book'.

Have a great weekend!



4 comments :

  1. Oooh, I am with you on so much of this post....and, coincidentally whilst thinking about some issue or other of mine about 15 mins ago, thought to myself "Lou would call this "first world problems"!!

    The teenage daughter thing....I too wonder if I will look back and forget all the pain, sleepless nights, angst, weeping, frantic worrying but then I wonder if that is even possible, it's all too intense LOL! I consider myself to be definitely glass-half-full but still find it a challenge....perhaps because I am female?! My husband is glass-mostly-empty & doesn't find it all nearly as challenging as I do....hmm?!

    House renovations - I hear you. I wish ours were done, right now I am totally over them & am having to force myself to get interested. Ugh.

    Ages, yes....definitely starting to ponder it more, it had to happen one day ;)

    Yay for starting on the book.....HOW EXCITING!!! Xx

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  2. Gah...am dreading the teen years! Mind you...10 is challenging in it's own way! I know what you mean about the how did I get here thing. It seems like five minutes ago I was channelling Molly Ringwald in Pretty In Pink and now here I am - on the cusp of the slope towards 50 and worrying about my own daughters teen years! But perspective is all and when we (Simone included) come out the other side, I feel a meet up to compare stories is in order!
    And talking of stories - the book....the book! How exciting. Don't forget you I knew you before you were famous!
    Missed you at the Hero blogging masterclass on Wednesday - we must go and meet Laura for lunch in Stockbridge very soon. Need you to see that shop!!
    Big love my friend xxx

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  3. I'm in the line for the 'white knuckle ride' right now. A boy of 12 going on 16. I need to count to ten more and more often these days and ensure I give plenty of positive feedback. These teen years are going to be memorable!!!

    Ah Brighton…. my husband's home town. You can't fail to find something you like there - will the shoes haunt you as something you didn't buy but wish you had?!

    Hope the sun is shining over there this lovely spring weekend.

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  4. Oh you are so right about how some people breeze through life! My boyfriend is so calm and positive, and I all I seem to do is re-enact little Greek tragedies all the time... Oh well.

    As for yoga, are you acquainted with the ray of sunshine and awesomeness that is Adriene, of Yoga with Adriene? She has just the best yoga youtube videos (for free) and her motto is "Find what feels good" which I think is brilliant!

    Well done for starting your book!

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