Sleep-deprived...

posted on: Monday, 15 December 2014

I am not normally afflicted with insomnia; I sleep soundly, but last night...no sleep! 1.06am, 2.25am, 4.14am I saw all of these times. This happens every now and then. I just couldn't quiet my mind. It's in these times, obscurely, that I start constructing the book I want to write. Increasingly this mythical book exists in my mind's eye, but I have yet to start writing it. Come on already! People say to me: 'you know what? you should write a book!' like I have never considered this course of action before. I consider it all the time. But characteristically of me I think about the finished product. I have this recurring dream of me opening a box of freshly printed books, pulling one out and it's by me! How amazing would that feel?! I also watched 'The Book Thief' at the weekend...books are all.

The only way down this road is to start writing (along with a gazillion other would-be writers).

Get over yourself Lou!


Meanwhile I took down a blog post I wrote at the weekend, which is unlike me; I normally write and publish and don't look back. But when I read it back the tone was off and I saw that sometimes the way I perceive the world is not the same as everyone else. I wonder if that is the whole point - people don't come to read a blog unless it provides some perspective? But ultimately I don't want to offend anyone.

Today is the first day of the school holidays so I have a houseful of pyjama'ed kids and the painter has arrived. Just when we thought those days were over, they have come to do the snagging list. Snagging is such a curious activity; all those little scuffs and niggles that you have when you hand over a build, pale into insignificance once family life has made its mark. Whilst I love my new white walls, I can see there will be a labour of love to keep them white. After all the procrastination that goes into design choices, I picked trade, pure, brilliant white for the walls. Now when people visit they ask 'which white' I selected, suspecting that I poured over a Farrow and Ball colour card. In fact I went with the most basic paint you can get! Sometimes less is more!

This time last year we were preparing to spend Christmas in Dubai with family. This year we revert to family norm and will spend Christmas Day at home, snuggled, with just my Mum to stay. Last year was so different it made quite an impression, but this year we are all looking forward to an old-fashioned British time.

Still trying to get organised...it never fails to amaze me what a performance Christmas is these days. I recall days as a child, when Christmas was something magical that happened to you, rather than being something magical that you worked to create. It can be wearying and I look back on previous years at this time and sense the same feelings of being overwhelmed by the logistics and the gift-buying. I'd like to just be.

I've been thinking about loneliness. The last few months have been a time of trying to turn around my mood as I have been spending a lot of time alone. I get glimpses into years and years ahead and see that keeping busy and having friends and family around you is the elixir. I feel like I am having a trial run and I am not sure I am that good at being alone. I heard loneliness defined as having people to do something with, but nobody to do nothing with.

I can't help thinking the way we live is a flawed. We have this rural house, not that far from town but enough to need to drive there. I don't see neighbours often. We live in splendid isolation and I see just how aspirational it was to secure a home like this. A farmhouse bordering fields of crops; frost-tinged today. Beautiful but kinda lonesome. I grapple with this fact and the how the future will play out. Are you a town-dweller? Is that what answers the loneliness question?! I still joke with my friend Natalie that living in a commune is the answer; a kibbutz?! Who knows? But at this time of year I do sometimes wonder if living amongst more people is the better choice.

You can tell I haven't had much sleep... ;-)

Happy Monday.


5 comments :

  1. Oh Lou, I saw that you had removed that post, as one of the people who commented on it, I now feel rather a sense of responsibility for your decision to remove it. NEVER has anything you have written offended me. Your posts are a tonic and your honesty in writing things as you see them is one of your many strengths. Love xxxx

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    1. I second what Alison says....you know I commented (and texted!)....but I mostly certainly wasn't offended by it, I really hope you don't think that. You write about your observations, thoughts & ponderings so brilliantly, better than possibly any other blogger I can think of.

      I think we all perceive the world in our own way...I often wonder if people feel the same as I do about so many things....and I think that I'm so boringly normal! There are probably a billion people feeling like I do, it just doesn't feel like that!! Xx

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    2. Ladies - fear not! The only commenters were my very good blog friends so it wasn't you; it was me!! Funny really! No biggie!! L xxx

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  2. Every book has started with someone thinking about writing a book. No need to get over yourself just yet ;-) xx

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  3. I commented on that post too Lou ……. I wasn't at all offended …. I just wanted you to know that I wasn't boringly beige !!!!
    I can sleep for England but, there is always the odd night where sleep just wont come …. I think it's when your brain is buzzing with things that need to be done. XXXX

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