I spent many years living a life that patently wasn't good for me. I was under the illusion that if I just worked really hard at everything, all the time, that it would all be OK. The net result? Eventually my body just said 'no' and I spent over three years in daily pain and not knowing why. In fact not only did I not know why, but every inkling that it was my life which was making me feel bad, I dismissed. It took me so long to figure out that my body was in revolt; rebelling as a cry for attention. It was the equivalent of a teenager acting out - my stressed muscles in uproar and the resulting tension and pain a daily reminder.
So I made lots of changes and got really serious about my well being. Now my life is a series of little events all held together by the belief that I am better. And I am better - the pain has virtually gone, which delights me, but I am left with some disquiet. I have skirted around this here for a while as it feels wrong to complain. I have been very lucky in that I was able to make changes when they mattered. I had that luxury; so really I have no right now to suggest there is anything wrong.
And there isn't - not really. But this disquiet - I am trying to identify it. I have a friend who stopped working shortly after I did and we speak often about how when we were working (she was a close colleague of mine) we longed for days at home, pottering about the house, sorting our lives in ordered piles. Now we can do this every day, interspersed by the school run, it isn't feeling quite right.
Is this a sign that I need to go back to work?! That feels kinda hasty and circumstances have changed around me, rendering my working like a did before to be an impossibility. I am now wed to being a housewife and I hold everything about our family life in my head like some sort of Mummy encyclopedia. So what now?
Those who know me well and even those who read what I write here will know that too much time to think is not good for me. But I am reaching the conclusion that by not working every day in paid employment I have too much time to think. Is this a common issue? I observe so many other women around me and on line who manage this effortlessly and I wonder - how do they do it? I can fill my time for sure, but these adjectives spring to mind: bored, lonely, questioning, ambivalent. It's not terminal, don't get me wrong, but it's niggling me.
Am I missing some enormous thing? Shouldn't this just be the best thing ever? I have freedom, I am well, I have a beautiful family, I am safe. Time to get a grip?!
Answers on a postcard please...
|image via killian and co|