Things got really hard last week in this parenting whirl that I am in for the next, ohh-I-don't-know, forever. I wish I could splurge it all out here but I am going to have to restrain myself and instead talk about the effects instead. I haven't slept much or eaten much as it seems that this sort of worry leads to lost appetite and a sadness that makes sleep elusive. Something came up - I faced it head on - it challenged the very core of my mothering instincts. I think (hope) we are out the other side now and now we have to build up again to a sense of normality where life broadens beyond family, home, food and dog. To include life-enhancing things like nature and shopping and friends and future plans.
In amongst the parental whirl, I have heavily lent on friends who have in their many different ways proved that when it comes to it, friends are all. Without them I would be sunk. From advice to distraction to understanding, I have had a week of friendliness that has brought tears to my eyes and made me breathe deep when I find myself in public places, holding back emotion.
What I am left with now is the residue and the thought that some element of the society we live in is broken. My Dad worries a lot about society and my brother and I roll our eyes and say he is doom and gloom and one must look on the brighter side. But this past week I have seen where his worry stems from. It can be hard to see the good when there is bad in unexpected and unknown places. I feel like I am in a heightened sense of alert. I don't subscribe to the view that one should fear the future or see bad in people. We have to go about our lives seeing good and knowing that goodness will prevail. But sometimes I wonder: but what if it doesn't?
The thing is - you do this thing: you have a baby. You may even have more than one baby. And you think that you've adjusted to being a mother and that you know what there is to know. You silently applaud yourself for having gone from woman to mother. And then....then...your children grow older and they do things and you find yourself baffled, confused, back to square one again. But you know you can never undo it. It sounds raw but when I'm in the middle of something like this I see that there is no escape; I don't want to escape but equally I see that even if I did, I couldn't. It's a strange sensation.
In times like these you have to go back to core values and core matters - what do we hold dear and how do we protect it? So that's what I will be concentrating on for these early days, as I make sense of things. Time is a good healer. I'm sorry it's deep and rather dark for a rainy Tuesday morning, but that is how you find me and if nothing else, goodness goes hand in hand with truth. And that's the truth.