And so because...

posted on: Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Where did she go? I dropped out for a few days and have barely looked at my iphone or read a blog, let alone written one. All sorts of stuff was supposed to be happening and it all got cancelled. It amazes me how much there is to edit out of life when things get complicated. Stripping back to the bare minimum of family, home, food, dog.

Things got really hard last week in this parenting whirl that I am in for the next, ohh-I-don't-know, forever. I wish I could splurge it all out here but I am going to have to restrain myself and instead talk about the effects instead. I haven't slept much or eaten much as it seems that this sort of worry leads to lost appetite and a sadness that makes sleep elusive. Something came up - I faced it head on - it challenged the very core of my mothering instincts. I think (hope) we are out the other side now and now we have to build up again to a sense of normality where life broadens beyond family, home, food and dog. To include life-enhancing things like nature and shopping and friends and future plans.

In amongst the parental whirl, I have heavily lent on friends who have in their many different ways proved that when it comes to it, friends are all. Without them I would be sunk. From advice to distraction to understanding, I have had a week of friendliness that has brought tears to my eyes and made me breathe deep when I find myself in public places, holding back emotion.

What I am left with now is the residue and the thought that some element of the society we live in is broken. My Dad worries a lot about society and my brother and I roll our eyes and say he is doom and gloom and one must look on the brighter side. But this past week I have seen where his worry stems from. It can be hard to see the good when there is bad in unexpected and unknown places. I feel like I am in a heightened sense of alert. I don't subscribe to the view that one should fear the future or see bad in people. We have to go about our lives seeing good and knowing that goodness will prevail. But sometimes I wonder: but what if it doesn't?

The thing is - you do this thing: you have a baby. You may even have more than one baby. And you think that you've adjusted to being a mother and that you know what there is to know. You silently applaud yourself for having gone from woman to mother. And then....then...your children grow older and they do things and you find yourself baffled, confused, back to square one again. But you know you can never undo it. It sounds raw but when I'm in the middle of something like this I see that there is no escape; I don't want to escape but equally I see that even if I did, I couldn't. It's a strange sensation.

In times like these you have to go back to core values and core matters - what do we hold dear and how do we protect it? So that's what I will be concentrating on for these early days, as I make sense of things. Time is a good healer. I'm sorry it's deep and rather dark for a rainy Tuesday morning, but that is how you find me and if nothing else, goodness goes hand in hand with truth. And that's the truth.

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment.... I have no idea what is going on but I agree with your father that society is broken & it's a tough time to steer yor kids through it. I dread the teenage years, as I have watched my sister hit it head on with her two sons and it was not pleasant. This past year I was given the opportunity to move back to Blighty (something I had always dreamed of), but at the last minute changed my mind, as I feared bringing up my girls there, as I have watched the judicial system and schools repeatively ail my sisters kids.

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  2. Oh Lou - just reading this made me anxious for you. I hope everything is okay - it sounds like the parenting whirl is being particularly tough on you. You hit the nail on the head about thinking that you've cracked being a great mother then along comes something else. Whilst I enjoy watching JC grow up, I look with a lot of trepidation to the future as she gets older and asserts her independence. Keep going - I know you're an amazing mum and love and strength will prevail. xxx

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  3. I am going to think about this and then respond. I have been here.. Sending you a big hug xxxxxx

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  4. I remember thinking once that I had this parenting gig under control. And then puberty hit and I was knocked on my backside. Mine's nearly grown now but yet the parenting seems to continue. Have faith. Even though it's hard now, it will get easier. Eventually.

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  5. I actually had the same thought just this weekend - that parenting is a job that you never retire from. Once a mom, always a mom. My thought stemmed from the rather benign concern of fatigue, just wanting some time to myself. But it grew into a larger thought about the permanence of parenting. It's daunting.

    Of course I am several years behind you and therefore haven't hit any of those more serious concerns that arise as the kids approach the teen years. But I can empathize and be a friend as much as possible from afar. I will be thinking of you, hoping that you trust your instincts and that you are able to return to a more comfortable state of normalcy. Thank goodness for the kindness and support of friends.

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  6. Oh honey- with three of my own- I hear you loud and clear!
    The early years are VERY different to these years where our children no longer rely on just us...the home we have provided and loved on them...the bubble we were able to hug and hold them within...it's flipping tricky...endless...rewarding...and everything else in between!
    Thinking of you from Down Here...Melissa xx

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  7. So sorry you are going through a painful time Lou (I went through my own drama a few weeks ago which you may have read about). I am not a mother and so won't give you any clichéd sayings just to make you feel better, and to make me feel like I know something about what you are going through-because I don't. All I can say is I am thinking of you. If you haven't read about my meltdown, do pop over. You just may not feel so alone xx

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  8. I remember when I worried about my grandson! Now, he's a Navy Seal... Trails and tribulations are part of watching them grow. Try to remain brave!

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  9. Make that "trials"... Sorry!

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