I am in pensive mood - despite my imminent exit from the corporate world, longed for and life-appropriate, I still get moments of minor freak-out when I think: '...whaaat!! what am I doing??' I recognise this existential angst and know it will pass, but nevertheless it has the capacity to derail my thoughts, provoke a deep breath, even a little tear when I contemplate walking away. I am not that good at walking away - you might say I am a keeper. Same town, same childhood sweetheart, same hairdo. I stick at things. But I know with this, once a few weeks pass, I will come out the other side and wonder what all the hesitation was about.
Most of all I am sure, with a wry and knowing nod, that every time I read an article about working mothers - either for or against - I will empathise. For so many years I fought that cause, no matter what, and now I look back and wonder why was I fighting so hard? A bit like a marriage that isn't going to last the distance; should it really be that hard? There are many reasons why this is right for me now, but I hope that the lesson from it all will be that I work out when to quit something that has become too hard. Not because I am failing, but because there are always choices.
This warm weather gives a glimpse of what life would be like in a proper, warm country. The scope it gives to be outside and to live life differently amazes me. So many options when there is sun; the extent of the British deprivation of it now becomes clear! I am lured by the summer sales - this whiff of balmy weather makes me rush for a whole other wardrobe of rarely worn items. Those that lurk at the back of the wardrobe and only get outings when on holiday. I have to exercise some restraint from buying more as deep down I know: it may not last!
We are going to Portugal in a few weeks for our annual trip - although this year we will be going to Lisbon too, taking the children for a few day's city time. Very much looking forward to it - and everything else in the post-corporate world.