My unsure heart...

posted on: Friday, 26 August 2011

You know I mentioned that everything was on hold at the moment? I am in a free-fall and have been for months. I should have known that coming away would bring things to some sort of fruition, with my thoughts floating freely as I ponder the ocean. I think of recent blog posts I have written and wonder if I am being entirely truthful with myself and to readers.

For sure I have mild angst about what I write here and want sometimes to be brutally honest, only then to temper that with shades of honesty. Not exactly an untruth, but more a diluted, prettified version of the real status quo. I also sometimes get this distinct sensation that those reading are judging; which surely points to my own paranoia? Why should I care who judges me? And moreover, if I did care why on earth would I be publishing this on the world wide web?

So I guess what I am saying is that I am painting a pretty picture of life as the reality is unclear to me. I am unsure what to do next. I have said before that I was always a working mother and now I am a mother who does not work (temporarily or permanently?). I have pain which is still unresolved and I clutch at straws of what the cause is and what the cure is. I have had to face many a demon about how I percieve hardship and how strong I am. I have come to the unrefutable conclusion that life is about your strength of mind. How well you cope. How long you can hold on. How your inner dialogue gets you through. At the end of the day there is only so much others can do for you. I have to fix myself.

So as I live in this self-imposed limbo I must acknowledge that the little things in life must be sufficient to keep me grounded. That the 'not knowing' must become my daily companion. That the future, unlike any other time in my life (school, university, job, marriage, children) is not stretching out in a clear path; it is a bending road running out of my sight. It's all a complete unknown.

And so off ponder the little things...

image source unknown...but how beautiful?

13 comments:

  1. Don't fret too much, we all have moments.

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  2. Oh Lou.....quite a post.

    Holidays - and the distance from home and our daily lives they bring - are always a time to sit back, review, contemplate and maybe plan a little. It's unavoidable isn't it....but then, I quite like that :)

    I know you have lots on your mind.

    What we share on our blogs is a slice of our lives at the time of writing....that particular day or hour. I think you are incredibly honest and you are such a good writer that I think your readers can really empathise and sense how you are feeling. And we all have good days & not so good days - that's normal.

    I (mostly) like the feeling of the unknown. It's exciting to me. However, I am aware that it's easier to feel like that when you have solid foundations to your life already in place.

    It is the little things that count.....add them all together and that's what makes up our everyday.

    I firmly believe that only we can judge ourselves - it's how we feel & believe that counts. I think you'd be surprised what those "judging" you would say though - it would be a 10 out of 10 from me :) Don't be too hard on yourself Lou...

    Now, I'll race you to the beach ;) Go sunbathe, read, relax and exhale :)

    pS sorry for the long reply, I'll probably think of something else to say in a minute and be back!!

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  3. The trouble is Lou, we can't help the way we are. Me....I am very much like Simone. Free and easy and just take what each day brings. I have never had a plan, or a need to work after our children were born, can take or leave holidays and am very content with my 'lot'.....and, the older I get the more I'm not bothered with what other people think. That's definitely something you learn as you get older.
    You, however, are completely different......which doesn't matter at all. It's good that we are all different. You just think about things so deeply and probably worry too much, but that's just the way you are.
    You have probably got to sit down, make a list of what you want out of life and then, execute it !! Easier said than done I guess.
    Perhaps you've got to try and take some things less seriously, but that's very difficult if it isn't in your make-up. I probably don't take things seriously enough but, that seems to have worked during my 60 years !! It's all about the way we are and how we deal with it. I can't tell you to be like me anymore than I can be like you ....... we just have to embrace our own personalities and make the best of it.
    Try, try, try to unwind, relax and go with the flow a bit. When I read your posts I can feel that your insides are churning and that you are wound up like a watch spring. Would that be right ? It's only a supposition but, if you are, maybe some sort of relaxation classes would be good although, maybe you've done that already.
    Oh dear, I'm ranting ....I don't want to tell you what to do.....what do I know ? All of the things that you have to deal with are things that everyone has to deal with on some level or other. Some of us deal with them without any 'angst ' and some not so well. Do you worry that you might make the wrong choices for your children and yourself ? .....because, that's not really a problem, as you can always change those choices if they don't work out so well.
    Oh crickey Lou, I really am going on !!!!
    Just trust your instincts, go with it and, if it doesn't work out, try something else.
    ....and, here endeth the gospel according to Jackie !!!!
    Keep enjoying your holiday and switch off. Lots of love Lou. XXXX

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  5. It takes alot of courage but perhaps think about embracing the unknown than always fearing it. Easy to say I know...and scary that your path is not clear but one thing that is, is your friends and family who will always be hear to guide you back on track if you get stuck in the mud. Love you lou louxx

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  6. Not knowing is scary. But I think learning to be okay with it is an amazing life skill and one you seem to be slowly mastering. That is incredible.

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  7. Oh Lou, I want to give you a big fat hug. You know, sometimes the unknown is actually healing for us. It's a chance to be free, to live a little, to be free of our expectations. Maybe try to embrace it and value the unkown for its beauty because everything always ends up falling into place anyway :) Love me xo

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  8. Hello Lou, Life is so unpredictable one day your just enjoying life in
    general and then all of a sudden wham one thing after another happens
    and we ask, what the fig is happening ? I for one have my own up's and
    downs , and try to keep a smile on my face, but you my Friend are dealing
    with a boat load of ----. Just want you to know that your blog inspires
    me because when I feel blue I see what you write and what your having to
    deal with day in and out and how much courage it takes to keep on smiling .
    So never give up the hope that your shoulder and every thing elsa your
    dealing with will pass and blue sky's will come . A Friend :>)

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  9. Dear Lou, I am quite new to your lovely blog, so don't want to start dishing out advice. But I have read and re-read a fab book called "Embracing Uncertainty"-by Susan Jeffers. It helped me so much and really assisted me in enjoying the uncertainty to the point it was no longer a negative sensation. I strongly recommend it; it's a really inspiring and easy read.

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  10. All I will say for now is ((hugs)). Try not to be so hard on yourself. xo

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  11. from one mother to another... this too shall pass. you seem to be a beautiful and caring person, i can appreciate that.

    x.

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  12. Lou. We all have these moments. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason - we may not know what it is - but hopefully it will soon present itself and everything you are going through will be for a greater good.

    In terms of the physical pain - I have been struggling with the same. I know I have noted acupuncture and naprapathic treatments helped me. But, what has helped me most out of all the crazy things I've tried has been Pilates! If you haven't already given it a try, but a DVD and see what happens.

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  13. Hi Lou - I feel the frustration in your words - I too like to be in control - to know what will happen next. When we lost our sweet baby girl 8 years ago I felt that sense of not know where I was going - what do I do next - I can tell you though you make it through - there is only so much others can do for you and then suddenly you realise - how you move forward is up to you and only you. Stay strong and the answers will turn up - they always do. Leanne xx

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